Dare
by aurorstar18
Summary: Lucius Malfoy is short on cash and Peter Pettigrew has a few extra galleons he wants to give away, but for a fee. Exactly how far will Lucius go to get the money?


**Authors Note: **This Plot Bunny just wouldn't leave me alone, I know, the characters are hideously OOC, but it's meant to be a humorous story.

**Dare**

Lucius malfoy stormed down the dungeon corridor of Voldemort manor, clutching the letter in a shaking hand.

"Stupid, dangerous peter, where does he come up with these stupid, dangerous ideas?" He raged.

He reread the letter once more:

_Dear Lucius,_

_I know you're tight on money at the moment, so I wanted to challenge you to a dare. Do all these things to the Master, if you live through the list, I will give you 300 galleons. _

_o- Ask him why he doesn't have such a cool scar_

_o-Laugh at him_

_o-Wake him up by singing Beach Boys songs in his ear. 'Round, round, get around, I get around...'_

_o-Knit him things, really hideous things._

_o-smile during meetings and say 'I taught him everything he knows…'_

_o- Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his plans are foiled yet again._

_o- Play knock and run at his bedchamber at night._

_o-Call him 'The-man-who-let-the-boy-live'_

_o- Be cheerful._

_o- Magic-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he sleeps_.

o- _Ask him to give you written summaries of his sinister plots for revenge and war. _

_Correct his spelling._

_o- Throw him a 'care-bears' themed birthday party_

o- _. Insist he help you with the newspaper crossword every morning._

_o-Get him drunk_

_Well, I think this should keep you sufficiently occupied for the next year or so, you have to do all of them to get the money._

_From, Peter_

He reached the door to the meeting room, he was early, but he wanted to get a head start on those tasks. The opened the door and there was the dark lord, sitting at the table trying to translate a letter from the German dark lord.

"Hello lord." Lucius said quietly.

"Lucius." He nodded.

"About the potter boy…" He sighed, "Why don't you have such a cool scar? It'd make you much more famous!"

"LUCIUS?" Voldemort roared.

"Yes My lord?"

"What was that?"

"What was what master?"

"Did you just ask me why I didn't have such a 'cool scar?'?"

"Yes, I did."

"GET OUT!" He roared.

"Yes master."

_- Ask him why he doesn't have such a cool scar_

"One down."

"Next week is my birthday, and I expect to have a celebration." Voldemort stormed out of the chamber leaving Lucius, peter, Henry and Regulus alone.

"This is your chance Lucy." Peter said before sauntering out of the room.

"Right! I'm in charge of this birthday celebration."

Lucius left them with that statement echoing in their heads. He stormed off to change into some more 'muggle' clothes.

When he finally got to the supermarket. He bought the care bears plates, cups, place cards, and at the checkout he spotted the liquor store.

"Kill two birds with the one stone…" he muttered to himself.

He paid for the things from the supermarket and wandered into the more familiar store.

He bought three bottles of Vodka, a bottle of rum, and five bottles of Whisky.

"This should do it." He thought, staggering under the weight of the bags in his arms.

The party was set for the next day, and Lucius was setting up a day early. He'd magicked a care bear's mural on the wall, pink, blue and yellow streamers, and teddy bears to surround the room.

The next day, Peter led him in with a blindfold on. When he took off the blindfold, Voldemort let out a strangled scream.

"WHAT IS THIS MALFOY?" He screamed.

"Your… er… your birthday party sir."

"WHAT IS THIS CARE-BEAR's?"

"A muggle cartoon I think."

"MUGGLE?"

"Yes sir."

"YOU KNOW I DESPISE MUGGLES!"

"Come on sir, it'll be fun!"

The Dark Lord stormed over to a table and sat down. After all, he was hungry, and nobody gets in the way of a hungry Dark Lord, they ate fairy bread, lollies, lollipops, and birthday cake with pink icing.

And every ten minutes or so, when the lord got up to get more food, Lucius would spike his drink with just enough alcohol to not be noticed, but it seemed Voldemort was really thirsty, because after most of the death eaters had gone home, Voldemort was staggering around, drunk, giggling like a schoolgirl.

The next morning, Lucius was by Voldemorts side, asking how much he'd had to drink the previous day.

Once he'd left he crossed out two things:

_-Throw him a 'care-bears' themed birthday party_

_-Get him drunk_

Lucius grinned to himself, all the while thinking that Peter might have to give him his 300 galleons sooner than he'd planned.

Now, onto the next part of his genius plan.

All Lucius needed was something to laugh at him for. And the perfect opportunity came at one of the death eater meetings. Voldemort swept into the room, his cloak billowing around him, but his boot got caught on the cloak and he tripped and fell with a thump onto the wooden floors. Lucius roared with laughter, he slapped his knee and pretended to wipe tears out of his eyes.

"Lucius…" Voldemort began dangerously quietly.

"Yes Master?"

"I do not appreciate you laughing at me when I fell."

"Sorry master."

"Yes… make sure it never happens again, and to make sure of it, _Crucio!_"

Lucius writhed in his seat in pain. Voldemort laughed, all the other Death eaters did too.

"How does it feel Lucius?" He said coldly before continuing with the meeting.

_-Laugh at him_

It was a rainy morning when another death eater meeting was being held. An assassination attempt of Voldemorts on Harry Potter had once again, been foiled.

Lucius cast an everlasting spell on the bunch of pink flowers he was carrying, and opened the door. Voldemort was sitting in a seat at the head of the table. Lucius walked up behind him and shoved the flowers in his face.

Then, he patted the Dark Lord on the head and said, "Don't worry sir, we all make mistakes."

Voldemort reached for his wand but Lucius was just quick enough to get away.

_Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his plans are foiled yet again._

Draco didn't know, Narcissa didn't know, he'd have to go straight to the source.

"PETER!" Lucius roared.

"Yes Lucy?" Peter Pettigrew said sweetly.

"What in Merlin's Beard is Knock-and-run?"

"It's a game; you knock on the door and run away before the person can see you when they open the door! Good luck." He sauntered off.

It was ten at night and Lucius wanted to do the knock and run part of the dares. He waited another hour and when Voldemort finally went to bed, Lucius went and knocked at the bedchamber door, then ran off.

"LUCIUS MALFOY!" came the cry a few seconds later. Lucius felt a searing pain on the tattoo on his forearm, and when he pulled up his sleeve to examine it, found that it was searing red.

_play knock and run at his bedchamber at night._

"YOU DEATH EATERS ARE ALL PATHETIC! YOU NEVER GET ANYTHING DONE RIGHT!" Voldemort yelled.

"Yes sir." They all chorused.

"YOU ARE UNWORTHY OF MY PRESENCE!"

"We know sir."

"INCOMPETENT FOOLS!"

"This from the man-who-let-the-boy-live…" Lucius muttered darkly.

"I BEG YOUR PARDON?"

"Nothing sir."

_Call him 'The-man-who-let-the-boy-live'_

Lucius got up early the next morning for the weekly breakfast at his masters place. He rubbed his eyes and got dressed.

He apparated to the manor and straightened up before going into the dining hall. Voldemort was sitting at the head of the table reading the morning paper. He took his seat about seven seats down from him.

"Good morning Master!" Lucius said in a sing song voice.

"Mmph" came the reply.

"How are you this morning sir?"

"Fine."

"Lovely weather isn't it."

"I suppose."

"May I-"

"SHUT UP!"

"I was just…"

"Lucius! I do not care what you were just about to do! I am trying to read the Prophet! Would you leave me alone?"

"Yes sir."

Silence.

"Can I have the puzzles page please sir?"

Voldemort whipped the puzzles page from the newspaper wordlessly and continued reading.

Lucius set to work on the crossword.

"Sir?"

"Yes?"

"What's a four letter word for a magical instrument that almost every magical person has?"

"Wand."

He wrote it down, resisting the urge to say something like: 'I knew that.'

"Sir?"

"Yes?"

"Nine letter word, the only all magical village in Britain?"

"Hogsmeade." Voldemort replied, "Fool." He muttered.

He sat staring at the crossword for a while.

"Nine letter word. Evil Lord."

"ME!" Voldemort screamed.

"That only has two letters sir."

"IDIOT! THE ANSWER IS VOLDEMORT! THAT'S ME!"

"Oh, so it is!"

_Be cheerful._

Every morning Lucius asked the Lord to help him with crossword puzzles until one morning Peter approached Lucius in the hall.

"Ok, that parts done… don't want him Crucio-ing you into next millennium do we?"

Peter walked off humming to himself.

"Stupid little prat, I'll show him." Lucius muttered darkly.

"He's asleep in the library." Peter hurried off to run some errand for the Lord.

Lucius sighed frustratedly and took the black Magic-Marker from his pocket.

Once in the library, he hid behind one of the roof high shelves to check that he really was asleep. Sure enough, he was laying on one of the green leather couches by the fireplace. Lucius tip-toed over to him and drew two circles around his eyes, joined by a line over the bridge of his nose.

He ran from the room slamming the door behind him.

Assuming Voldemort stood facing the mirror on the wall, he should notice right about-

"LUCIUS MALFOY!"

_Magic-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he sleeps_

"Narcissa! Teach me to knit!" Lucius barked after getting home one night. Draco was sitting in an armchair reading a dark arts book.

"Dad? You want to learn to _knit_?"

"Yes I do Draco."

"Why darling?" Narcissa said without looking up from the embroidery she was sewing.

"Lords birthday." Lucius lied.

"That was last month!"

"I forgot to get him a gift."

Narcissa taught her husband to knit and by the next morning he'd knitted a sock, half a scarf and a tea-cozy, all in shocking pink and green. He was planning a jumper with blue and red polka dots next.

"Happy… err… Birthday sir." Lucius said holding out the package wrapped in left over care-bears wrapping paper.

"Mmph."

Lucius dashed from the room and the sounds of tearing paper could be heard.

"LUCIUS MALFOY!"

_Knit him things, really hideous things._

"My plan is to kidnap the mudblood and take her into the forest at that blasted school. Potter will definitely come looking for her. They're dating aren't they?"

"Yes sir." The death eaters chorused.

"I didn't get all of that, could you write it down please lord?"

Voldemort didn't say anything but pulled a piece of paper out of the air and a quill and wrote down the plan.

_We will kidnapp the mudblud and take her into the Forrest and Potter will come to find her then we will hex him and cerse him and torter him befor we kill him._

Lucius took Voldemorts quill and corrected.

_We will kidnapp the mudblud and take her into the Forrest and Potter will come to find her then we will hex him andcerse him and torter him befor we kill him._

_Kidnap mudblood Forest curse torture before._

Lucius handed the piece of paper back to Voldemort. He let out a scream of rage and reached for his wand. Lucius apparated away. Once safe, he took the letter from his pocket.

_Ask him to give you written summaries of his sinister plots for revenge and war. Correct his spelling_

Voldemort was sleeping in the library again. Lucius tiptoed up to him and leant down with his mouth near the lord's ear.

"Round round get around I get around, get a round round round I get around…"

"LUCIUS!" Voldemort spluttered once awake.

"Yes master?"

"Were you singing a Beach Boys song in my ear?"

"Er… how do you know what the Beach Boys is?"

"I-I err… don't… WHAT was that infernal racket you were singing in my ear?"

"But you just said it sir…"

"GET OUT!"

Relieved to be almost finished with the list, he crossed out the second last task he had to do, off his list.

_Wake him up by singing Beach Boys songs in his ear. 'Round, round, get around, I get around...'_

It was yet another Death Eater Meeting and Lucius was particularly nervous, the master had instructed him to sit up the front, where he could be watched closely. Voldemort entered the room in his usual showy manner. Lucius rolled his eyes and shook his head slowly. Voldemort merely glared at him.

"I…" Voldemort began, "Have the greatest plan of all!"

"Tell us Master!" The Death Eaters chorused.

"We storm into Hogwarts, find the boy, and kill him."

Silence.

"But don't you think you'd get caught?" Peter said.

"NO FOOL! WE USE AN INVISIILITY CLOAK!" Voldemort roared.

Lucius chuckled, "Clever man this one, and Of course I taught him everything he knows!" He smirked.

Voldemort, frustrated with his most loyal followers' behavior, transfigured him into a beetle and put him in a jar.

Lucius was never seen again by his family or friends, and he didn't end up getting his 300 Galleons.

**Authors Note: **Please Review. Constructive criticism Welcome, Flames will be used to toast my marshmallows.


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